Couch for Sale (Unicorns Not Included)

By on August 9, 2012 in design, true story

When I first moved to Charlottesville, Boyfriend’s blue leather love seat was parked in the middle of the living room. It was functional, sure, but I had my own couch which, for complicated reasons such as comfort and aesthetic appeal, I demanded we keep.

As a result, Big Blue here needed to go.

Boyfriend advertised it on Craigslist, but over the course of several weeks, nobody bit.

This surprised me, since our other unseemly items of furniture sold in a few days, if not hours.

“Do you think you made it too expensive?” (Clearly the fault lay with Boyfriend.)

“Is $100 too much?”

I shrugged.

Boyfriend looked thoughtful. “Does it matter that the recliner doesn’t, you know, recline?”

“I don’t think that’s a big deal.”

“What about the scuff marks?”

“Um–”

“Or the awkward shape? The shape is pretty awkward.”

“Wait, did you say all of this in your listing?”

He laughed.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I’m the marketer, after all.

What we really needed was a way to grab attention while simultaneously distracting potential buyers from the couch itself. I used my refined Photoshop skills to make the most obvious improvement:

 I can’t say this for sure how effective these photos would have been (very), because the couch sold about an hour after I made them. When the two neon-spandex-sporting undergrad girls came to pick it up, I couldn’t help but think somehow, someway, the unicorns had done the trick.

 

Comments { 0 }

Because With Me, Everything’s a Production

By on August 7, 2012 in true story

Set a course quickly. Realize that you will be wrong, and plan on making course corrections often.”

Journalist Carl Richards said this in reference to long-term financial planning, but I think it’s true for most long-term, goal-oriented endeavors. In my case, it’s true for Doctor Derby.

A few months ago, I announced that I would merge this site with my new marketing communications business. In time, however, I discovered that creative essays and goofy blog posts clouded the aim of my professional content. My site felt unfocused, and I became tentative, unwilling to write the sort of true-life stories that powered my blog in the past.

Sometime between June and blistering July, I decided to build a brand-new website that I would dedicate solely to my professional work. As a result of several months’ tinkering, I am pleased to finally introduce:

If you’re an artist, a fellow freelancer or a small business owner, I hope you’ll visit my gallery of free tools and creative branding ideas. As a freelancer, I learn something new every day, and I’m excited to keep sharing my insights with you. To learn more about the site, visit this page or click on the image above.

And now that my professional site is up and running, I can’t wait to reclaim Doctor Derby as a humor blog. Stay tuned, dear reader–I feel a story coming on.

 

Comments { 0 }

Call Yourself a Blogger and What Do You Get?

By on June 13, 2012 in creative writing, notes, true story

The chance to guest post!

DeeDeesLivingWill is the journal of DeeDee Stewart, the creator and performer of Dirty Barbie. She began the playwriting process through entries on this site, which is an awesome read for anyone who enjoys storytelling, humor, Southern childhoods, or  wonders what it takes to prepare for an international theater festival.

In yesterday’s post, 3 Things I Learned While Shouting ‘It’s Awesome and Dirty But Not Like You Think!’, I shared some highlights from our PR campaign for DeeDee’s one-woman show, Dirty Barbie and Other Girlhood Tales.

WriterHouse is Charlottesville’s home for everybody who wants to sharpen their craft, drop in on writer talks, seminars, or connect to the creative community. It’s a wonderfully intimate space (complete with coffee machines and classrooms), and the non-profit encourages writers of all abilities to share feedback and company in this often lonely craft.

Authors, editors, and other accomplished creative folks offer their insights on the WriterHouse blog, so I brought my A game for my guest post, 5 Free Virtual Tools to Help You Keep Your Focus. Needless to say, my A game includes anthropomorphic squirrels.

Also a lot less sleep.

I went to bed at 3:30AM. Because I wanted a new site design.

As much as I liked the minimalist aesthetic of my last site facelift, I had a few problems with the landing page and couldn’t resolve them in my chosen theme. As a result, I decided to choose a new one. As I learned in March, this process can take as long as a secondary education. On the bright side, I will share the upshot of this hair-raising process in a tutorial soon.

I woke up half an hour later because I had a dog on my legs and a cat on my head.

Boyfriend and I are pet sitting, so our normal animal-to-human ratio (1:2) is way out of whack (3:2). Technically this doesn’t relate to blogging, but you can bet I’ll blog about it soon. (Hint: it might sound like this.)

In sum, dear reader, check out those excellent blogs, and I apologize for any visual weirdness on mine. I promise I’m losing sleep over it.

Comments { 0 }

PR Is What Happens When I’m Making Other Plans

By on June 5, 2012 in creative writing, true story

Once upon a time a girl fell in love and quit her job and moved 300 miles to live with the boy with whom she fell in love. She kept her blog and her couch and four boxes of books. She made plans with broad strokes: to sleep in a few days, then fix up her office and write her first novel. She envisioned a parade of clamoring agents.

After reorganizing their house with corporate comedown neurosis and nurturing fear of blank Word documents, the girl questioned her original “goals.” She still loved her boyfriend and enjoyed her new city, but artistic impulse stalled like a broken current. She began to suspect it might never come back.

Then the girl’s birthday rolled around, and her boyfriend bought tickets to see a play. “The playwright’s a blogger, just like you, and I hear she’s pretty funny,” he said. The girl closed her computer and suppressed a yawn; she’d wished for a bowl of brownie mix.

A few days later, they went to the show. The girl found herself chucking, then laughing, then crying. She felt the words moving under her skin, a story hot and cold and told by a master. When she stood up to applaud, she heard gentle buzzing, like stage lights or a far-off generator.

“You’re smiling,” he said when they left the theater.

“I want to go home and write.”

*            *            *

Seven months later, the girl knows a few things. She knows she needs people to feel well adjusted, and she knows that great novels are hard to complete. She talks of herself as a writer/consultant, a marketer who likes great ideas and design. She says these things and knows there’s no knowing. She tries not to worry about it.

At the gym one day, she recognizes a woman: blonde hair and big eyes, a megawatt smile. It’s the playwright from the show.

They talk a little and sweat a lot. The girl learns the show will come back to town. She decides she must see it again.

Then a stranger thing happens than two almost-strangers bumping into each other in a very small city. The actress hears that the girl is a freelancer, and she needs someone to promote her show. Would the girl be interested?

*            *            *

And that is the story of how I came to be the publicist for DeeDee Stewart’s play, Dirty Barbie and Other Girlhood Tales. The show goes up in just two weeks, and we have some really fun stuff planned. I am SO excited to be part of the process, and since the world of PR is new to me, I plan to blog about it. In other words, prepare for the deluge–and if you’re in C’ville, you should buy your ticket before they sell out. :)

Comments { 0 }

Free Designer Desktops

By on May 16, 2012 in design


I love words, and I love design, so I really love words IN design. Throughout years of abstract collaging, I never once made a piece that did not incorporate a quote. Even in 8th grade, when my life revolved around algebra and the mythical notion of a first kiss, my work featured magazine cutouts of lovelorn women and phrases like you are strong.

Imagine my delight, then, when I got kissed two years later discovered these free desktop backgrounds from Design Milk, an online magazine “dedicated to modern design.”

In addition to articles about inspirational home interiors, offices, hotels, outdoor style, and the life of designers themselves, Design Milk offers a new designer desktop image, complete with inspirational quote and illustration, once a month. Choose your favorite from the list here. I went with this one from February 2012:

A note to all you business owners out there: free, crowd-sourced giveaways are great social media bait. Imagine how much exposure Design Milk has gotten through this initiative? And they’ve branded themselves as tech-savvy, artistically-inclined philanthropists. Genius.

Comments { 0 }

My (Recent) Life in Pictures

By on April 13, 2012 in creative writing, true story
Lest you think I’ve died (or forgotten my promise to make some changes around here), I haven’t! I am deep in the midst of a professional makeover. Think Princess Diaries or Mean Girls or She’s All That but imagine the main character keeps her glasses and eyebrow hair and geeks out about marketing in cyberspace. It’s like that!
Soon enough I will reveal a pretty, polished website, complete with snappy blog posts and hip consultant services to boot. Until then, allow me to share some special moments from these past two weeks.
1. Road trips.

I visited my family in New Jersey for the holiday. Not only did my car survive the scary rattling sound in its engine (bless you, Shell station service man!), I discovered a scenic route with vineyards, verdant fields, and a significant number of cows.
2. A tricked-out Easter.
As Jon Stewart recently noted, Easter kicks ass. This year, my Peeps obsession skyrocketed when we discovered these beautes in unopened shells from 2010.

Later, I hid and hunted Easter eggs with three twenty-somethings and my mom. Before scouring my childhood backyard, we took a sentimental picture:

3. Guest visits.
When I returned to Virginia, I brought a dear friend with me. We spent the day at Yogaville, an ashram nestled in the hills of Buckingham county. In the LOTUS Shrine we meditated on religious synchronicity and the eight limbs of yoga.

We also ate butter cream frosting by the spoonful. Thank goodness for innovative cupcakeries.

So that’s the scoop. For now, I’m back to copy and coding—beauty is pain, as they say. I wish you a weekend as happy as a dog in sunshine!

(That’s really happy, by the way.)
Comments { 0 }

Doctor’s Note: Ch-ch-chaaaanges!

By on March 22, 2012 in notes

What are these? Cherry blossoms? Where am I?
It’s officially spring! As my incessant mailings from Vanguard like to say, “it’s time to grow!” My 401(k) sure as **** ain’t blossoming, but all these flowers and bird songs and roaming livestock have me inspired.
Time for some ch-ch-chaaaanges!
As you may have noticed, I am interested in a wide variety of subjects. This gets me in trouble: fistfights at trivia night, conversations with weirdoes, and a confused internal compass that results in small, pointless cycles of thought.
Since my brain behaves like a Roomba in a corner, I’ve got some cleaning up to do. In blogging terms, mine will be a two-step process illustrated by this handy flow chart:
I thought using Instagram made it look more professional.
In sum, my plan is to:
1. Streamline Doctor Derby.
In the future, my sweet blogspot will chronicle of the simple pleasures of my life—writing, homemaking, Northern Aggression—without lengthy, belabored prose. (I’ll save that for publishers. Assuming I can find some.)
2. Build a New Site (Soon To Be Revealed!)
I am building a new wordpress blog for my creative, colorful finds. There will be art projects, design trends, gratuitously vibrant visuals—my inspirations, curated.
Get excited! And let me know if you have any thoughts/ideas for either of the above.
P.S. Thanks again to those of you who filled out my survey re: Doctor Derby improvements. I can’t make decisions without you!
Comments { 2 }

Qu’est-ce Qui Se Passe?

By on March 20, 2012 in humor, true story

Thank you, middle school textbooks, for making me believe that all Parisians wear 90s crewnecks and eat hoagies the size of their torsos.
I love non-Americans. If I hear an accent in a coffee shop or on the street, I will sidle over and creepily eavesdrop until I identify its origin.
“I think he’s Italian,” I hiss at whoever I’m with. “Maybe Spanish.”
“что она делает?” The stranger cups his latte protectively.
“Or Russian!” I raise my finger triumphantly. “Doesn’t that sound like Russian?”
Of course this is a rhetorical question. My friends are miles away by now.
In sixth grade, I elected to learn French. I stuck with it all the way through my senior year AP exam, when I laughed audibly into the tape recorder and failed to conjugate anything more complex than qu’est-ce qui se passe? because truly, I had no idea.
Perhaps the universe meant to punish me for my failure as a polyglot. While past employment and general obsession won me a number of non-American friends, only three were French. And they weren’t even friends, really.
The first was my high school French instructor, Mr. McCormack. He regaled our classes with authentic French videos and short, twisted stories featuring balloons and little boys who were actually ghosts; he described his European childhood as that of a five-year-old who trotted to the town fountain to sail a toy boat on sunny afternoons. It sounded so charming, so quaint, so like storybook Madeleine. Assuming Madeleine grew up, had a sex change, moved to the States and became inexplicably fond of Nascar.
French persons #2 and #3 were a married couple who worked at my old office. The woman was tall and elegant, a sweet-spoken scientist with wide eyes and covetable shoes. Her husband was funny. When the marketing candy jar was empty, he poked his head into my office demanding “gooms”. When I asked what the hell he was talking about, he rewarded me with flailing hand gestures and exaggerated chewing.
“Gum?”
“Gooms.”
“Gums?”
Furious nodding. I handed him a packet of Trident Mangoberry, the only unconsumed edible in my desk drawer. “Please keep it,” I said as his eyes lit up. “Think of it as back payment for the Statue of Liberty.”
He popped in a piece and started chewing. “Theese ees terrible.”
“I thought it might be.”
He made a face. “You are terrible.”
Then we laughed and laughed…
Now, sitting by the open window in my people-less office, I long for more international humor. Imagine my delight when yesterday I discovered a video that offers not only a funny Frenchman but tiny baby animals as well.
I hope you enjoy this as much as I did!
Comments { 1 }

Happy Vernal Equinox!

By on March 19, 2012 in mindfulness, true story

Foto from Flickr’s 55laney69.

In yoga this morning, our instructor (a sweet-voiced woman named Blossom) informed us that today is the last day of winter. An equinox names the period when day and night are equal—yin and yang, push and pull, the light-bound tilt from one season to another. We stretched and flexed, reached and inverted, to honor what Blossom called “the deepest truth, which exists inside our bodies.”
I sweated and swayed as I thought about this. I stood in mountain pose and felt my diaphragm concave and convex, lung floor surging down and up with every passing breath. Inhale, exhale, in and out. I dove to the floor, peaked in downward dog, and sayonara pranayama. Winter weight’s been hard on girlfriend and now she’s panting hard.
The moment itself, the slide from day to night, passed at 1:26PM. At 1:27 we moved into spring, the wood season, according to Blossom, associated with growth and renewal and perseverance. The recommended poses are still, flat, restful. In other words, lie down and honor your chi.
Sounds like a plan to me!
Comments { 0 }

Even My Fortune Cookie Wants Me to Be Happy

By on March 13, 2012 in mindfulness, true story

Darn tootin’.
Here in Pleasantville Charlottesville it’s a balmy 79 degrees.
Apparently it is March 13th, but the heat and the extra hour of sunlight indicate otherwise.

My brain keeps screaming SUMMER! OMG SUMMER!
I even got a farmer’s tan.

A bonus beyond vitamin D: all this sunshine soothes my soul. It reminds me that perfectly legitimate outdoor activities include, but are not limited to:
- reading a book for hours on end
- napping in a field while storm clouds brew overhead
- walking through centuries-old woods
- articulating hopes and dreams while drinking a soy latte
- starting that art project you thought about 5 months ago
- smelling unspent rain on breezy night air
- coming home and pausing outside the front door—one extra breath, one glance at the stars—to savor the taste of these sweet final hours, the delicate finish of another delicious day.
Comments { 1 }