Did you ever notice how many cooking blogs are out there?
There are, like, a lot.
All these millennial Renaissance multi-taskers, with their home grown tomatoes and backyard chicken eggs and do-it-yourself cheeseries, they author these incredible posts with gorgeous pictures and make it all look, if you’ll pardon the pun, easy as pie.
Cue my grandiose, ill-advised homemaking fantasies.
So I’ve been cooking a lot lately. OK, not a lot. And not cooking, really. Mostly I’ve been mixing frozen spinach with egg, flour and cheese and hoping for the best. These delusory efforts began when I found a seemingly simple recipe for spinach gnocchi. I imagined the result comme ça:
As a result, I can proudly offer today’s tutorial:
How to Make the Worst Gnocchi Ever
Step 1. Get a bunch of spinach and dry it out.
How does this happen? Where is my industrial-sized sink? JEEVES!
Step 2. Get a bunch of other ingredients.
You will use them to make the spinach stick to itself. They can include flour, dry bread, eggs, cheese, Elmer’s glue, whatever. You’re not going to eat it anyway.
Looking good so far. On a side note:
Step 3. Mix the ingredients together.
Form this mixture into small, gnocchi-shaped lumps. Be sure to flour the countertop on which you work, so once you’ve ruined dinner, you have a significant mess to clean up.
Mine did not look like this.
Step 4. Bring a pot of water to a boil.
This is not a picture of boiling water. You should know how to boil water, for Godssakes.
Step 5. Carefully drop the gnocchi into the boiling water. Watch the lumps burst apart like kamakazie foodstuffs, et voila!
Enjoy the bitter taste of dissatisfaction as you wash your pot, cutting board, mixing bowl, countertop, and proceed to cry yourself to sleep.
What’s that I see? That brilliant flash at the back of the fridge? Is that…could it be…
A TUBE OF PILLSBURY CRESCENT RECIPE CREATIONS® SEAMLESS DOUGH?
Thank God. OK, I’m pretty sure we can just stretch it across a pan of spinach goo and bake it.Thus our terrible, terrible gnocchi becomes…
surprisingly delicious spanikopita!
I realize this picture looks terrible and not at all delicious. Let’s try again:
OK, this is a bad picture too. Whatever. I think the moral of the story is that with a little creativity, time, effort, prepackaged dough, shredded cheese and a very forgiving stomach, you, too, can become a culinary mastermind.